Death: it's the ultimate elephant in the room isn't it? We
all know that at some stage we must confront it, we cannot go through life
without experiencing the death of a colleague, or a friend, a parent or a
partner, but knowing we will have to deal with it and actually doing so are
very different propositions.
When we are faced with the loss of a family member then our
grief is shared with others in a very immediate and intimate way. Families may
pass through the varying stages of grieving together, supporting one another,
and although one or more may grieve more deeply or differently, family members
will understand and support those who are most affected. When we learn of the
loss of a friend or work colleague, however then the support that we provide is
inevitably different.
I was thinking of this as Val and I recently received the
shocking news that a friend of ours died suddenly at the age of just 42, from
an aortic aneurism. She leaves behind a husband and teenage son, who were with
her when she died. We were not especially close friends; our children are of
similar ages and we saw a lot more of each other when the children were at
junior school. As with many friendships
that start with the common bond of babies, the years had made the friendship
more casual. Nonetheless it was one hell of a shock to learn of J__'s death and
of course we approached her husband, G__ to offer condolences and support.
Supporting a friend in their time of loss is very different
from supporting a family member. The initial shock that we feel when we learn
of the death of a friend's partner passes more quickly for the friends of the
family than for the family itself and that is just one of the issues that makes
it important that friends and the bereaved understand how the other is feeling.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified five
typical stages in the grieving process; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression,
and Acceptance.[1]
While not everyone experiences all of these, nor necessarily in that order,
they remain fairly typical of the range of emotions that the bereaved go
through. I write this from personal
experience because twenty one years ago my first wife, June died of a brain
haemorrhage; she was 33 years of age. From my experiences I have identified six stages that are similar
to the Kubler-Ross model, but which apply more to those who are more distant
from the deceased, and to some degree deal with how they behave with relatives
of the departed, but also how the bereaved can understand how their friends
feel.
Disbelief:
This is similar to denial. Denial is common because the
enormity of the situation is difficult to accept. It may manifest itself with
the expectation that the person who has died is not actually dead at all. The
number of times that I convinced myself that I would come home to find June
doing the ironing was incredible. For the partner of someone who has died,
thoughts of them are rarely out of their head, for friends it is only when they
consciously think of that person that they metaphorically shake their head in
disbelief. Losing your partner makes a lot of other problems pale into
insignificance; for friends that may not be the case.
The Awkward Silence:
Once the initial shock has worn off (and it will for friends
of the family, and more quickly than many people realise), comes the awkward
period when the bereaved is still grieving terribly but their friends are
coming to terms with events. The initial shock, the condolences, the sympathy
have been played out and now we have to deal with someone who is still an
emotional wreck. And how do many people deal with that? They pretty much ignore
the person who is grieving because they don't know what to say, or think that
they might say something that may make matters worse. Trust me, nothing you can
say can make matters worse (well, nothing you would say unless you are a
totally insensitive moron of course) but silence, ignoring, they are
devastating. I remember being at work after June had died; conversations were
batting back and forth but I seemed to be excluded. It wasn't unkind, it was
just that people didn't know what to say. "I'm not the invisible man, you
know," I said quite loudly, walked out and burst into tears. Whatever you
do, include people who are grieving, but of course respect their right to opt
out if they wish.
Getting Over It:
How long does it take to get over the death of someone you
love? There is no programme of events, no schedule, it will take as long as it
takes; some people never truly get over the death of a loved one. But however
long it takes it will be much longer than for your friends. They will move on
and they may expect you to as well; their well of sympathy is not bottomless
and when it runs dry that is the time to seek professional counselling. At
least, I think it is; other people go for counselling earlier, some not at all,
but speaking from my own experience, after about three months the shock had
worn off for my friends and counselling helped me enormously. I developed an
ethos that I would try anything once to see if it helped; if it did, I carried
on with it, if not I stopped.
Moving On:
Far be it for me to say to anyone who has suffered a
bereavement, you must do this, or that. Just because something worked for me
does not mean it would be appropriate for everyone, but one thing a lot of
people agree on is that in the early days of bereavement, make no major
decisions. It is not uncommon for people to say to someone who is newly
widowed, "Oh, so I suppose you'll be selling the house and moving
on?" And a lot of people probably do. Not wishing to create a shrine, they
may move house to get away from bad memories and to start anew. And by doing so
they just add a whole new set of stresses to the already stressful situation
they find themselves in.
Time Heals All Wounds:
Rose Kennedy, wife of Joseph Kennedy and the mother of
President John F. Kennedy, said, "It
has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In
time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the
pain lessens. But it is never gone." I don't think that I can improve
on that, and it is worth remembering it any time you feel inclined to say
anything about time healing, or indeed any time you hear anyone say it. The
pain is part of you and if you heal it completely then you will lose entirely
your memories of the person you have lost physically.
The New Normal:
Sometimes people say to the bereaved, "Once things get
back to normal..." forgetting that normal included the person who has
died; there can be no normal again. For those who lose a loved one normal was
going to the coast as a couple or visiting friends as a couple. Now you are
one, not part of a couple and normal does not exist anymore. Everywhere there
are reminders of normality, but they are intangible, they are out of your
grasp, so you must create a new normal, new routines, new ways of doing things.
Nothing will be like it was, not for you nor for your relationships with your
friends, but you can have something new.
I am no expert on bereavement, I am not a counsellor, but
like most of you reading this, I have experienced bereavement in my family and
seen it in others, so I say this; if you have lost someone, remember that your friends
are finding it hard knowing how to deal with your grief; if you have a friend
who has lost someone, the best thing you can do is to continue being their
friend.
Recommended reading:
This book helped me enormously; in time of need it may help
you too. Healing Grief: A Guide to Loss and Recovery by Barbara Ward .
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Healing-Grief-Guide-Loss-Recovery/dp/0091778395/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1413286770&sr=8-1&keywords=healing+grief
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