"You have reached your destination."

I like to think that I have a fairly decent sense of direction, and I know that having been somewhere once, I can usually find it again without recourse to a map or sat-nav, but I do admit that when it comes to map reading my wife is probably better than me. Indeed there have been occasions when Val has wrestled a map away from me in frustration and forbidden me to use it again! My problem is with the fine detail; I’m ok with the big picture and even after a cursory glance at a map can happily navigate to a town I’ve never been to. The problem comes when trying to find somewhere specific within that town. I always find that the last mile or two is the most difficult of the journey and it is then that I have, on occasion found myself hopelessly lost. Only by leaving home ridiculously early to go just about anywhere, which I do to compensate for the potential to become lost, has enabled me to arrive on time (or still actually early) when this happens.

In the days before sat-navs, this was much more of a problem and even more so before the internet when the only real alternative to a map was the Automobile Association. Pop along to one of their branches (which I’m not sure they have anymore) and as a member, they would provide you with a route planner in hard copy, not over the counter of course, they had to post it to you. About a week later a large envelope would arrive with a ream of music score paper containing driving instructions. This became old hat once the internet came along as the AA put a Route Planner on their website. Then along came Google and the route planner in Google Maps became invaluable. The only problem I find with that is when driving alone I still manage to get lost as I try and drive and read the route planner simultaneously. Inevitably, after a few wrong turns, I would have to stop and scrutinise the map and directions. Being a man, asking someone for directions is of course out of the question, except in extremis.

Now when it comes to technology I wouldn’t say that I’m an early adopter. Partly this is due to my belief that initial versions of some technology products will be “buggy “and that a better, cheaper version will come along in a few months but I also fear buying something gimmicky that will end up a white elephant. So it was that it was a number of years after they first came out that I bought a sat-nav. Most of the time it sits unregarded in the glove box in the car, but it comes out from time to time and on the whole I wouldn’t be without it, although it’s not without its frustrations. My principle frustration is that no matter how firmly I affix it to the windscreen, there is usually some point during the journey when it becomes unattached and falls to the dashboard with a resounding clunk. Unfortunately the dashboard is somewhat curved and all attempts to site it there have met with failure. Unless I can stop to reattach it, which I obviously can’t when driving on a motorway or narrow country lane, the thing then either rolls around, threatening to drop into the foot well, or has to be relocated to the passenger seat.

I like the voice though, it reminds me of Marina Sirtis (Deanna Troi in Star Trek: The Next Generation) and I love the way it pronounces “roundabout.” However (and to my wife’s amusement) I do find myself arguing with it occasionally. “Turn left,” says Deanna (inevitably that is how I think of the sat-nav), “It’s not a left turn,” I argue,” it’s a bend in the road.” Sometimes I’m sure she gets annoyed when, particularly in the early stages of a journey, when I know exactly where I am, where I’m going and that the route that Deanna has in mind isn’t the best one given the time of day and traffic conditions, I ignore her advice and she has to recalculate the route. Overall Deanna has got me where I want to go and usually pretty close to the predicted arrival time, but I do think that she took revenge on my occasional disobedience one time when I foolishly connected the device to my computer to download updates from the manufacturer. I’d done this before without a problem, however on this particular occasion this activity wiped all of the information from it. I uninstalled and re-installed the software, I reset the sat-nav to its factory settings but to no avail; it was useless and it had to go back to the shop for a replacement to be issued.

As helpful as they are, I have one major note of caution to inject about sat-navs and it is this. We’ve all seen the reports in the newspapers, sometimes humorous but sometimes tragic, about motorists following the advice of their sat-nav slavishly and ending up trapped in some narrow lane inappropriate for vehicles (this normally happens to long distance lorry drivers from the continent), or in one spectacular case, on the railway tracks when the driver took the instruction to turn right at the level crossing too literally. Mindlessly following the sat-nav’s directions when the evidence of our own eyes is that this is wrong can be foolish and downright dangerous. The trust that we place in technology can be our undoing in these circumstances. I have found that following Deanna’s instructions has to be tempered with realising that I am in charge of the vehicle and in the event of an accident I can scarcely blame her, now can I?

Assuming that weather doesn’t intervene and cause the game to be postponed, Deanna will be directing me to Maldon on Saturday when Romford visit Heybridge Swifts in the Ryman League. I’ve been there before so  for the first 95% of the journey she’ll be little more than a passenger, but I will be relying on her to stop me going round in circles in the last mile or so, so long as she doesn’t sulk when I ignore her route from my house to the A12 that is!